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Assassins Creed 3

Desmond is back in his final outing in the Assassins Creed franchise, Or is it his final outing? Yes, actually it is.

Poor cunt on the bottom

Poor cunt on the bottom

Ah yes, I think we are all familiar with the story of Desmond Miles, Abstergo and ancestral memories that became a bit of a stale formula until Assassins Creed 3 was released. Assassins Creed 3 introduces a new ancestor into the fold, well two if you want to get technical but to stick with continuity for those who haven’t played Assassins Creed 3 yet, let’s just say its only one ancestor, even though it’s two, Fuck you I don’t have to explain myself just play the game. The new protagonist is Connor or some native American name that I’m not even going to attempt to spell as my life is getting shorter already. Connor becomes an Assassin because of something that I can’t really go into without ruining it but let’s just say “burn motherfucker, burn” . The traditional formula is family member dies, vengeance, become an Assassin so take what you can from that because that’s how far I’m going into that.

Death bitch, Native style.

Death bitch, Native style.

Assassins Creed 3 has a completely new combat system which rarely deters away from the “wait for an opportunity, counter and kill” formula that was used in previous games but in Assassins Creed 3 it just looks better because Connor can pull of some serious shapes and make his enemy look like he’s just been raped by King Kong with a hard on but I digress. There are some new weapons in the game  but I found myself more or less sticking with my one sword to deal out some serious pain, I rarely came across a time when I needed anything more than my pointy sword. There are the basic Assassins weapons like the hidden blade, smoke bombs and all that fancy shit but my favourite addition is the rope dart, which allows you to wait in a tree on bozos who are just wandering around scratching their arses for you to whip the rope dart around their neck and use them like a fucking pulley system, It is very good fun.

Connor leaves this guy choking like Jodie Marsh with five dicks in her mouth,

Connor leaves this guy choking like Jodie Marsh with five dicks in her mouth.

Assassins Creed 3 is good fun. In my opinion I thought it was the best one, I have heard many people say that they didn’t like it but the sheer scope of Assassins Creed 3 is genuinely impressive. When the game was first released it was riddled with glitches that made the game very hard to play and it seemed like my console was struggling to cope with what was going on, on one occasion I murdered a man with a tomahawk to the chest the his body started to slide off into the distance like some creepy human shit that just got left in the toilet bowl.

All in all my only real gripe with Assassins Creed 3 is the ending. I have never been so pissed off in my life with an ending. Ever. The amount of money and time and money invested into this franchise for the ending to be like that is the biggest insult to me since my parents said I got a letter from The Rock and only to be told later that a family friend wrote it, broken dreams people, broken dreams.

before I go and sit in the corner and rock slowly back and forth I will say this, with all it’s faults and ambition it shows that Assassins Creed 3 took a bold step in the right direction for the franchise even if the pay off was a small but significant one. I look forward to seeing where they take it. Fuck the ending though, that shit can go stick it’s dick in a salami slicer.

Review 4/5. An all around enjoyable experience regardless of its faults the story is great, graphics are awesome and the voice acting is good, the ending however, just no.

Stay beautiful.






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